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14 min 53 sec
Available in:English

Relationship Goals: How to Win at Dating, Marriage, and Sex

A pastor's faith-based plan for love at every stage: drop unrealistic partner checklists, put God first, use single years well, date with marriage in mind and keep a long marriage alive.

Table of Content

If your love life feels like a series of guesses, or your marriage has slowly gone flat, Pastor Michael Todd thinks the usual cause is a lack of direction. In Relationship Goals, Todd, who leads Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, with his wife Natalie, argues that the picture-perfect couples on social media show only the best moments, and that chasing them leads people to reject good partners.

His alternative is a set of goals that are realistic and rooted in his Christian faith. The idea running through the whole book is simple: lasting love comes from aiming at the right target. For Todd that means a relationship with God first, a single season used well, dating with marriage in view, the courage to let draining people go, and a marriage that keeps dating. Along the way come a ninety-day dating plan, an inventory of who adds to your life, and one small habit with words that can end an argument before it starts.

One churchgoer had a detailed picture of the man she would marry, and it kept her single for years. Her list shows how a wish for the perfect partner can block a good one.

A man with a loving family, a thriving business and a strong faith watched all three fall apart. Todd traces the collapse to one change that came before everything else.

Long stretches without a partner can feel like wasted time. Todd sees them as the most important stage of all, and he gives single people one letter to organize their days around.

At fifteen, Todd met the woman he would marry, and later walked away from her for ten months. What he learned in that time became the simplest dating rule in the book.

Two people who had both been hurt before wanted to try again without gambling their hearts. Their pastor and his wife handed them a three-month plan with a built-in exit.

A couple who seemed made for each other ended in harsh words and control, and both gave their pastor the same explanation. It points to a test worth running on everyone you know.

Many couples reach the day the children leave home and find they have little left to talk about. Todd’s remedy sounds backwards: in a sense, become single again.

Todd’s book is one long correction of aim. The couples on the feed set a target nobody can hit, Sarah’s list set one nobody could reach, and recreational dating set no target at all. In their place he puts a sequence: God first, then a self worth offering, then a partner chosen with marriage in mind, then a marriage that keeps being a courtship. Each stage protects the next. Doug’s story shows what happens when the first gives way, and T and Valeria show that even a strong couple can lose their footing by making each other the center.

The practices are small enough to start this week. A believer can begin a daily habit of Bible reading and honest prayer. A single person can pick one way to invest, imagine or inspire, and decline dates with anyone they could not picture marrying. Someone in a long marriage can plan a real date and, the next time irritation rises, swap the criticism for a word of praise.

Todd’s mother preached around the world because his father was willing to carry the bags. That picture, two people helping each other toward a purpose, is the goal he wants his readers to aim at.

About this book

What is this book about?

Social media is full of perfect-looking couples, and many people measure their own love lives against those snapshots. Pastor Michael Todd has counseled singles who can't find a partner and long-married couples whose passion has faded. He sees the same problem behind most of their trouble: they have no clear direction. Todd's answer is a set of relationship goals that are realistic and rooted in the Bible. He starts with a relationship with God, then treats singleness as a season for personal growth. He asks people to date only those they could marry, offers a ninety-day intentional dating process he and his wife Natalie use as coaches, and suggests taking an inventory of who adds to your life and who drains it. For married couples he has an unexpected prescription: keep working on yourself as if you were single, and keep dating your spouse. Readers get concrete tools for every stage, from an honest rewrite of a partner wish list to boundaries for new couples and a simple habit with words that can stop an argument before it starts.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Religion & Spirituality, Sex & Relationships

Topics:

Dating, Marriage

Publisher:

Penguin Random House

Language:

English

Narrator:

Meredith

First published:

April 28, 2020

Pages:

208

Length:

14 min 53 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Singles tired of waiting

    Christian singles tired of waiting who want to use this season well and date with purpose.

  • Couples just starting out

    New couples who want boundaries and a clear way to test whether a relationship can last.

  • Spouses whose passion faded

    Married believers whose passion faded behind children, bills and routine.

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About the Author

Michael Todd

Michael Todd has led Transformation Church since 2015, together with his wife, Natalie, taking over from founding pastor Gary McIntosh after the church had run for about 15 years. Relationship Goals, his first book, grew out of a sermon series of the same name that spread widely online from 2016. He also wrote Crazy Faith and Damaged but Not Destroyed, and he speaks every year at churches, events and conferences, including Elevation Church and Lakewood Church.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

2.9

Overall score based on 380 ratings.

What people think

Listeners find the work accessible and full of depth, valuing how it integrates biblical teachings into the process of building relationships. Furthermore, the content offers actionable advice and aids in transforming one's perspective, with one listener highlighting it as a must-read for any stage of life. In addition, listeners describe the book as moving, reporting that it brings joy to their lives and clarifies their spiritual connection with God.

Top reviews

Supaporn

Picked this up after watching the YouTube series and I was not disappointed by how the message translated to print. Pastor Mike has a way of making complex spiritual concepts feel incredibly accessible, providing a modern manual for anyone navigating the dating scene or marriage. It's an easy read that focuses heavily on changing your mindset and putting God at the center of your connections. Personally, I found the practical guidance on intentionality to be a total game-changer for my current relationship. While he uses a lot of pop culture references that might feel a bit trendy for some, the core message about aligning our desires with God's word is clear. It’s inspirational and truly brought a blessing into my life during a season of confusion. I’d recommend this to anyone, whether you're single or have been married for a decade, because the principles of grace and purpose are universal.

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Hana

Wow, this book was a breath of fresh air for my marriage! I’ve been looking for something that ties scripture into the everyday struggles of relationship building without being overly academic. Pastor Michael Todd delivers exactly that with a style that is both relatable and convicting. He speaks directly to this generation’s struggles, from the influence of social media to the baggage we carry from past hurts. Frankly, the way he explains that God is the author of our relationships really helped shift my perspective. It’s more than just a book about dating; it’s a guide for your soul. My husband and I read it together, and it sparked so many deep conversations we wouldn’t have had otherwise. This is a must-read for anyone looking to go deeper and truly understand their relationship with God through the lens of their human connections.

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Somrutai

Ever wonder why Christian relationship books always feel like they were written forty years ago? This one is the complete opposite. Pastor Mike brings a modern, fresh energy that makes you actually want to keep reading. He breaks down the idea of 'relationship goals' by showing that our ultimate goal should be reflecting Christ’s love. The chapter on waiting was especially powerful for me, as it reframed a period of loneliness into a period of preparation. It’s rich with content and practical guidance that you can apply the second you put the book down. I’ve already bought copies for two of my friends who are struggling with their dating lives. It really helps you change your mindset and realize that your relationship with God is the foundation for everything else. Truly an inspirational read that feels like a timely manual for our current culture.

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Rose

As someone who grew up in the church, I’ve heard countless talks on purity, but this book actually dives into the 'why' behind the 'don't.' Michael Todd’s conversational tone makes you feel like you're grabbing coffee with a mentor rather than sitting through a dry lecture. Truth is, some of the advice feels a bit basic if you’ve been a believer for a long time, and I wish there was more heavy scripture to back up certain claims about things like 'soul ties.' However, the focus on building a relationship with God first is so vital. It’s a quick read that challenges the stereotypical tropes of Christian dating. I appreciated how he addressed both men and women, though some of the Drake and Rihanna lyrics were a little cringe-worthy. Overall, it’s a solid resource for a generation that is constantly bombarded by secular ideas of romance.

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Wittaya

Finally got around to reading this after a friend recommended it for my small group. It’s a helpful reminder that our relationship goals should be defined by the Creator, not by what we see on Instagram or in movies. Michael Todd uses a lot of colloquial language, which makes it very readable, even if it feels a little 'down' at times. In my experience, the most valuable part was the emphasis on becoming the right person rather than just finding the right person. I did find some of the theological points, like the discussion on marriage licenses versus covenants, to be a bit confusing and contradictory. Also, the warnings about sex were a bit reminiscent of old-school fire and brimstone sermons. Still, the practical tips for building a firm foundation are excellent. It's a great tool for shifting your mindset and seeking a blessing.

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Montri

After hearing the 'Relationship Goals' series at church, I knew I needed the book to really digest the material. Mike Todd doesn’t disappoint with his conversational and casual tone. He makes you laugh while also stepping on your toes just enough to make you grow. Look, it’s not a perfect book—some of the sections on 'soul ties' aren't exactly grounded in clear scripture—but the overall message is incredibly edifying. I appreciated the balance of focus on both men and women’s needs, which is often missing in these types of books. It’s an easy read that helps you audit your life and see where you’ve been letting society dictate your values instead of the Bible. It might be a bit basic for some, but for those of us trying to unlearn toxic habits, it’s a great starting point. Definitely worth the time for a quick mindset shift.

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Sayan

Gotta say, the practical steps outlined here for dating with purpose are much needed in today’s world. Michael Todd avoids the usual dry 'rules' and instead focuses on the heart behind our actions. While I don't agree with every single take he has on marriage licenses and the covenant of sex, the general direction of the book is very positive. It provides a helpful framework for anyone trying to navigate the messy world of modern romance while staying true to their faith. The writing is simplistic and moves fast, which I liked. However, I do wish he had spent a bit more time diving into the scriptures rather than relying so much on personal anecdotes. To be fair, he’s a pastor, not a theologian, so his style is more about inspiration than deep study. It's a solid four-star read that offers a lot of grace.

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Anchalee

The chapter on intentionality was exactly the wake-up call I needed for my current dating life. For too long, I was just 'drifting' without a clear vision of what God wanted for me. Pastor Michael Todd’s simplistic writing style makes it feel like he’s speaking right to you, which I really appreciated. Personally, I found the book to be a great resource for shifting my focus from finding the 'perfect' person to becoming a person who is submitted to God. There are some moments where the advice feels a bit like common sense, and the constant references to pop culture can be a bit much. But the core truth—that God knows how to make relationships work better than we do—is something I needed to hear. It’s a quick, easy read that brings a lot of light to the struggles many of us face.

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Sirirat

To be fair, I have mixed feelings about this one despite the huge amount of hype it’s received online. On one hand, the writing style is very engaging and Mike Todd's personality shines through every page, making it feel authentic. On the other hand, it feels a bit like 'prosperity gospel' lite, where the focus is more on personal happiness and success than on the sacrificial nature of the cross. I was hoping for more deep biblical exegesis rather than just anecdotal evidence and pop culture references. The advice is decent for someone just starting their faith journey, but seasoned Christians might find the information a bit repetitive or shallow. It’s an easy read, but I would caution readers to keep their Bibles open while going through it to ensure everything aligns with scripture.

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Evelyn

Not what I expected, but I can see why it appeals to a younger audience looking for direction. The book reads very much like a transcript of a sermon series, which means it’s high on energy but sometimes low on specific, nuanced detail. I struggled with some of the extreme assumptions made about gender roles and co-parenting, which felt a bit out of touch with modern realities. Not gonna lie, the secular song quotes felt out of place in a book that is supposed to be grounded in the Word. However, the core idea of pursuing God before pursuing a partner is a truth that can’t be stated enough. It's a quick read and provides some decent 'friend-to-friend' advice, but don't expect a deep theological dive. It’s fine for a surface-level check-in, but I’d look elsewhere for more robust biblical study.

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Questions about this book

Todd argues that most relationship trouble comes from a lack of direction. Images of perfect couples on social media set unrealistic targets, so he proposes goals that are realistic and rooted in the Bible: a relationship with God first, singleness used for growth, dating only with marriage in view, letting go of draining relationships, and continuing to date your spouse throughout marriage.

It is Todd’s shorthand rule for intentional dating: if a person is not someone you could marry, you should not date them. He learned it from ten months apart from Natalie, when short flings and one-night stands only distracted him from the right person. He advises choosing partners who are dependable, supportive, strong in faith and open about marriage as the goal.

Todd and his wife Natalie coached a couple, Taylor and Brandon, through it. For ninety days the pair get to know each other as friends without committing too early. They share their fears about relationships, agree on boundaries such as date curfews or a thirty-second limit on hugs, and hold focused conversations about shared interests. At the end, they either continue or part cleanly.

Todd warns that couples often put their relationship aside while raising children and lose their common ground once the kids leave. He suggests becoming single again in the sense of working on yourself, through projects like quitting smoking or learning French, and returning to intentional dating. When irritation rises, he advises replacing a critical remark with praise.

It suits Christian readers at any relationship stage: singles who feel stuck, people starting to date who have been hurt before, and married couples whose passion has faded. Its advice is built on Todd’s faith and his experience as a pastor and relationship coach, so readers who want a Bible-based framework will get the most from it.

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Relationship Goals

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