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15 min 17 sec
Available in:English

Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire

Shows why low desire, distraction and even pain during sex are common for women, and how simple mindfulness practice, from eating one raisin slowly to observing sensation, can bring pleasure back.

Table of Content

Many women assume that if sex feels flat, distracted or painful, the fault lies with them. In Better Sex Through Mindfulness, psychologist Lori A. Brotto looks somewhere else: the brain, she argues, is the most powerful sexual organ, and many difficulties begin with where attention goes. A woman’s body can be aroused while her mind is busy planning a child’s birthday party, and that gap matters.

Brotto, who directs a sexual health laboratory at the University of British Columbia, builds her case from large surveys, lab studies and the women in her therapy groups. Her argument is this: sexual problems are common and largely shaped by the mind, so training calm, nonjudgmental attention can bring back desire, arousal and pleasure, and can even soften pain. Along the way there is a raisin, a math test played through headphones and a hand mirror. What you take from it is a set of small attention exercises that can begin at your next meal.

Popular culture suggests everyone else is having an easy, exciting time in bed. Surveys across dozens of countries tell a very different story, and they also reveal a strange silence around it.

Two women with similar lives have opposite experiences of desire. The difference has nothing to do with their bodies, and everything to do with a single idea each of them holds about what sex is for.

A strange 1970s experiment piped erotic stories into one ear and something very unerotic into the other. What happened next explains why a forgotten email can end a good night.

Most people eat raisins by the handful without noticing a thing. Slowing down to eat just one turns out to reveal something surprising about how many women experience sex.

A woman in a lab study insisted a film left her completely unmoved, while a sensor recorded the opposite. That gap between body and mind is normal, but it can quietly drain the pleasure from sex.

Many women have never really looked at their own genitals, and even everyday language reflects the discomfort. A simple, private exercise changes how women relate to their bodies and to their arousal.

For some women, even the lightest touch hurts, and creams rarely help. The approach that helped one woman sounds backward at first: paying closer attention to the very pain she felt during sex.

What Brotto offers is a change of focus. Sexual problems are usually treated either as faults in the body or as secrets to keep. Her research suggests that many of them live in attention and belief: in the email that interrupts, the idea that desire must fade with age, the habit of judging every sensation the moment it appears. The hopeful part of that diagnosis is that attention can be practiced.

The practice can start far from the bedroom. Brotto suggests eating every meal mindfully for the next three days, noticing taste, texture, temperature and color, and even the sounds of eating. Once that feels familiar, a few minutes with the breath teach you to watch thoughts pass without following them. In bed, the same skill means staying with a physical signal when it shows up, and letting neutral or uncomfortable sensations be there without sounding an alarm. It also helps to look honestly at what you believe sex is for.

Gina’s body was ready while her mind planned a party. For many women, the pleasure is already present. The work is learning to show up for it.

About this book

What is this book about?

Large surveys suggest that nearly half of women have some kind of sexual difficulty, from low interest to trouble with arousal or orgasm to pain. Yet few women talk about it, and fewer still look for help. Psychologist Lori A. Brotto argues that much of the problem sits in the mind rather than the body: in depression, in unhelpful beliefs about sex, and above all in attention that drifts to emails and to-do lists at exactly the wrong moment. Drawing on her laboratory studies and her mindfulness therapy groups, Brotto shows how present-moment, nonjudgmental awareness works on several fronts. It helps the mind catch up with a body that is already aroused. It helps women explore and accept their own bodies without pressure, and it can reduce the distress of chronic genital pain. Readers get a clear account of why sex so often feels flat, and a set of simple exercises to change it. These range from a breathing practice and a slow-eating exercise with a single raisin to guided attention on sexual sensation.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Mindfulness & Meditation, Sex & Relationships

Topics:

Mindfulness, Sex & Intimacy, Women’s Health

Publisher:

Greystone Books

Language:

English

Narrator:

Rachel

First published:

April 21, 2018

Pages:

272

Length:

15 min 17 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Faded desire or focus

    Women whose desire has faded or whose minds wander during sex.

  • Women with painful sex

    Women living with pain during sex who want an approach beyond creams.

  • Busy professionals and partners

    Busy, stressed professionals curious how mindfulness can improve intimacy, and the partners who support them.

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About the Author

Lori A. Brotto

Lori A. Brotto is a registered psychologist in Vancouver, Canada, and a professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of British Columbia. She holds a Canada Research Chair in Women's Sexual Health and leads the Women's Health Research Institute of BC. Her UBC Sexual Health Laboratory develops and tests mindfulness-based treatments for women with desire, arousal or genital pain difficulties. She has about 150 peer-reviewed publications and is an Associate Editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

4.2

Overall score based on 243 ratings.

What people think

Listeners find the book useful and hands-on, with one listener noting it is recommended by a pelvic floor therapist. Moreover, the material is deeply eye-opening about mindfulness, and listeners value the way it enhances various sexual aspects.

Top reviews

Sayan

My pelvic floor therapist actually suggested I pick this up after I mentioned some persistent tension issues that were affecting my daily life. It is truly enlightening to see how our physical response is tied to the simple act of presence. Dr. Brotto provides a practical, research-based approach that makes the meditation exercises feel achievable for someone like me who has never been able to sit still for long. Frankly, the way she explains the connection between the brain and the body changed my entire perspective on what it means to be intimate. It is a lesson on how to exist more fully.

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Andrew

Finally got around to reading this after seeing it cited in so many other wellness books and I’m so glad I did. The truth is that most of us treat sex like a chore or an item on a to-do list rather than a priority. Dr. Brotto’s exercises helped me identify and label the distracting thoughts that were keeping me from actually being present with my partner in the moment. By learning to 'watch the events of the mind,' I’ve found a much deeper sense of peace. This is an essential read for anyone who feels broken or apathetic about their love life.

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Nattapong

Wow, I didn't expect a book about sex to teach me so much about my own anxiety and how I process daily stress. As Napoléon Bonaparte once said, the best cure for the body is a quiet mind, and this book proves that point with every chapter. The research on how mindfulness removes fear and anxiety from our intimate lives is absolutely groundbreaking and incredibly empowering for women who feel stuck. I feel much more connected to my own needs and better equipped to communicate them to my partner now. This is a life-changing read for anyone who has ever felt insufficient.

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Pakinee

As a woman who has always struggled with 'mind chatter' during intimacy, Brotto’s research felt like a personal revelation for my relationship. The book validates the idea that our brains are the most important sexual organs we possess in our entire bodies. I appreciated how she addresses the impact of culture and social pressure on our ability to feel genuine desire or satisfaction. Some of the meditation exercises are a bit long, but the results from actually doing them are undeniable after a few weeks of practice. It pairs perfectly with books like 'Come As You Are' for a complete understanding of sexuality.

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Art

Ever wonder why it's so hard to just *be* there when you're with your partner instead of thinking about your laundry list? This book dives deep into the 'why' and provides a roadmap for returning to your body through focused awareness and clinical practice. Personally, I found the chapter on sexual anxieties to be the most helpful part of the entire experience. While it is a bit academic, the detailed studies provide a level of credibility that many other self-help books lack. It is about finding peace within yourself. I would recommend this to anyone looking to deepen their connection.

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Chanida

Dr. Brotto manages to take a topic that usually feels 'woo-woo' and anchors it firmly in clinical science and inclusive research. The book is full of compelling and hopeful data about how mindfulness can actually improve our overall well-being and sexual satisfaction in the long run. I particularly liked the specific exercises included for people looking to incorporate more attention into their daily lives without feeling overwhelmed by the process. Look, it’s not a quick fix, but it provides a very solid foundation for change. My only complaint is that the tone can get a little dry during the data-heavy segments.

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Pim

I’ve been practicing meditation for years, but applying it specifically to sexual desire was a new and exciting frontier for me. Dr. Brotto’s platform for discussing female sexuality is both informative and deeply respectful of the different journeys women go through. I loved the detailed studies and the specific goals she sets for expanding a mindfulness practice into the realm of pleasure. Even though I found some parts a bit repetitive, the overall message about the importance of listening to your body is vital for modern women. It’s a wonderful resource for anyone interested in sex therapy or just finding joy.

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Pan

To be fair, the core message here is quite simple: being mindful during sex makes the experience more fulfilling for everyone involved. The clinical science behind the brain-body connection is definitely fascinating, but the writing style felt a bit too dry for my personal taste at times. I found myself skimming through the repetitive sections just to get to the actual exercises because I wanted practical advice rather than more data. It took me a long time to finish. If you need a scientific push to start meditating, this might be exactly the resource you want for your bookshelf.

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Gin

This book is essentially a manual for learning how to pay attention to your own body in a world of endless digital distractions. I struggled with the heavy clinical tone throughout the first half, though the specific exercises eventually gave me a lot to think about regarding my habits. It’s interesting to learn that meditation can help with things like low libido by simply calming the mind and centering the breath. To be honest, I think the book could have been half as long and still conveyed the same message without so much repetition. It is a useful tool if you have the patience for it.

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Laddawan

Not gonna lie, I found this incredibly difficult to get through without my eyes glazing over after the first few chapters. The author spends way too much time repeating the same academic points instead of getting straight to the helpful parts of the guide. While I appreciate the inclusion of clinical studies to back up her claims, I honestly felt that the repetitive nature of the prose made the actual advice feel buried. I hope this book finds the audience that needs it, but it was just a massive yawn for me. It felt more like a textbook than a guide.

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Questions about this book

Lori Brotto argues that the brain is the most powerful sexual organ. Sexual difficulties such as low desire, weak arousal and even pain are very common among women, and many are shaped by depression, unhelpful beliefs and distracted attention. Mindfulness, meaning calm, nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment, helps women reconnect mind and body, notice the sensations already there and enjoy sex more.

Brotto cites a 1999 survey of 3,000 Americans in which 43 percent of women had some form of sexual dysfunction, compared with 31 percent of men. A global study of nearly 20,000 adults in 29 countries found low desire to be the most common complaint everywhere, and a British study found that 51 percent of the women reported at least one sexual concern.

In Brotto’s therapy groups, women eat a single raisin very slowly, looking at it, smelling it, feeling it on the lips and tongue, and chewing with full attention. Most are struck by how much they notice. They then realize they usually eat raisins by the handful without thinking, and often have sex the same way, on autopilot, missing much of the sensation available.

Brotto’s research suggests it can. Women with chronic genital pain, such as provoked vestibulodynia, are guided to observe the pain’s qualities, duration and spread instead of pushing it away. Focusing on the physical sensation weakens the distress layered on top of it. One patient, Savannah, found her pain greatly reduced and sometimes absent, and her interest in sex returned.

Brotto suggests eating all your meals mindfully for three days, paying close attention to taste, texture, temperature, color and sound. From there, practice a simple breathing meditation in which you notice thoughts and let them pass. During sex, stay with physical signals of arousal instead of drifting into other thoughts, and allow neutral or less pleasant sensations without judging them.

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Better Sex Through Mindfulness

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