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13 min 16 sec
Available in:English

Unrequited: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Romantic Obsession

Explains why some people cannot let go of someone who does not want them, what that longing is really about, and how to turn it toward self-knowledge, creative work and recovery.

Table of Content

Being turned down by someone you love is close to universal: a survey cited by journalist Lisa A. Phillips found that 93 percent of people have been through it. In Unrequited, Phillips asks why most of us recover while a few spiral into lost self-worth or even stalking. Her answer is that a romantic obsession usually has less to do with the beloved than with the person doing the longing.

Brain chemistry that behaves like a drug, unmet needs for care and worth, and early experiences of attachment all feed the fixation. Society then adds shame, especially for women. Phillips, who teaches a university seminar on love and heartbreak, follows the obsession from medieval medicine to brain research, from stalkers to the dancer Isadora Duncan.

If you are stuck on someone who does not want you back, she offers a way to read that pull, to find out what you actually need, and to point the energy toward your work and a life of your own.

Doctors have treated lovesickness as an illness for centuries, and one modern researcher compared the in-love brain to a drug user’s. That comparison changes what it means to simply decide to stop caring about someone.

Walking away from someone who will never love you back should be a relief. For many people it feels like a loss far larger than one relationship, and two researchers think they know why.

A knight who risks everything for an indifferent princess is a hero. A woman who keeps pursuing an indifferent man gets a much harsher label. The gap has a history, and it starts in medieval medicine.

Popular belief says men chase and women wait. Hormone research and a study of college students tell a different story, and they point to a childhood factor that can make a person more prone to romantic obsession.

Most stalkers sincerely believe they are acting out of love. Phillips explains how rejection can blur a person’s view of someone they adore, and offers a single question that cuts through the fog.

Muses have inspired artists for centuries, and the usual explanation is beauty and joy. Phillips points to something less flattering about love that may matter more, and a famous dancer who lived it.

A therapist asks clients obsessed with someone to do one small thing before reaching out. What they discover in that pause often has nothing to do with the person they cannot stop thinking about.

Phillips’s book adds up to a gentle redirection. The person you cannot stop thinking about is real, but much of what pulls you toward them is yours: a reward system acting like a drug, a need to be cared for or to feel worth something, and sometimes an anxious attachment learned long ago. Add a culture that once called a nobleman’s lovesickness honorable and a woman’s shameful, and it is no wonder so many people suffer alone and in silence.

Seeing the obsession this way does not make it vanish, yet it gives you places to act. Notice the urge to reach out and let it pass, or pour it into a letter you keep. Ask what you would finally feel if they loved you back, then look for other routes to that feeling. Before any message, ask whom it serves. And when the ache arrives, give it work to do, the way Isadora Duncan gave hers to the stage.

The longing that seemed to be about someone else turns out to be a map of what you need. Read it, and you can stop waiting for one person to hand it to you.

About this book

What is this book about?

Almost everyone has loved someone who did not love them back. Most people recover. Some people lose their sense of worth after rejection, and a smaller number cross the line into stalking. Journalist Lisa A. Phillips sets out to explain the difference and to take the shame out of the experience, especially for women. Her case is that romantic obsession usually has little to do with the person being pursued. In the brain, love activates the very reward circuitry that cocaine does, the crush frequently serves as a proxy for larger aims like feeling cared for or worthwhile, and neglect in childhood can leave a person with an anxious attachment style. Phillips also traces how lovesickness was once an honorable diagnosis for noblemen and became a mark of shame once women showed the same symptoms. Readers learn how to tell devotion from intrusion, how heartbreak can feed creative work, and how techniques from cognitive-behavioral therapy help people step back from a fixation. Parents get a calmer view of their teenagers' crushes.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Psychology, Sex & Relationships

Topics:

Addiction, Attachment, Gender

Publisher:

HarperCollins

Language:

English

Narrator:

Evelyn

First published:

January 27, 2015

Pages:

304

Length:

13 min 16 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Stuck on someone

    People stuck on someone who does not love them back and tired of feeling ashamed of it.

  • Consumed by crushes

    Anyone whose crushes tend to take over their thoughts, work and sleep.

  • Parents of smitten teens

    Parents trying to make sense of a teenager's intense first crush.

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About the Author

Lisa A. Phillips

Lisa A. Phillips is a journalist and author who writes about relationships, mental health and teens, with articles in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Psychology Today and Cosmopolitan. She spent more than ten years in public radio before turning to books, which also include First Love, a guide to helping teens through relationships and heartbreak. She teaches journalism at the State University of New York at New Paltz, where she leads a seminar called Love and Heartbreak, and has won multiple awards for her reporting.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

4.3

Overall score based on 48 ratings.

What people think

Listeners describe this work as thoroughly documented and skillfully composed, valuing its multi-dimensional look at unrequited love. They find it beneficial, with one listener stating it was especially valuable following a recent separation, and another noting how it clarified their own past. The title earns praise for its clear prose and relatable narratives, including one account that emphasizes the private details of an individual obsession.

Top reviews

Finn

This book offers a strikingly raw look at the psychology of obsession that many academic texts fail to capture. Phillips manages to weave her own history as a 'reformed stalker' into a broader tapestry of sociological research and historical analysis. I found the sections on the neuroscience of romantic addiction particularly enlightening because they explain that 'wired' feeling we get when love goes south. While some might find the heavy focus on literary examples a bit academic, I felt it added a necessary layer of cultural context. It’s a brave, well-researched exploration of a taboo subject that usually stays hidden in the shadows of shame.

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Sangduan

As someone who recently went through a messy split, reading this was like having a very smart friend explain exactly why my brain was betraying me. Phillips uses a multi-disciplinary approach that blends pop culture with hard research, making the concept of 'lovesickness' feel tangible and manageable. Not gonna lie, some of the stories about women stalking men were genuinely shocking and challenged my preconceived notions about gender roles in harassment. The writing is intimate and incredibly well-paced, preventing the data-heavy sections from becoming dry or overly academic. I’ve already recommended this to several friends who are struggling to let go of people who don't want them back.

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Lily

Phillips has crafted a masterpiece of vulnerability and intellectual curiosity that everyone should read immediately. By blending her own harrowing experiences with exhaustive research into narcissism and OCD, she provides a roadmap for understanding the darkest corners of romantic desire. I was particularly struck by the way she reframes the 'astro-nut' narrative, forcing the reader to feel genuine pity for someone the media turned into a joke. The book is incredibly well-written, striking a perfect balance between a college-level seminar and a late-night confession. It’s one of those rare books that manages to be both intellectually stimulating and deeply, painfully human.

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Jonathan

Picked this up on a whim after seeing it mentioned by the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend team, and it’s certainly an eye-opener. The most compelling part for me was the detailed look at the Lisa Marie Nowak case; it humanized a story I had previously only known through late-night comedy punchlines. Phillips writes with a clarity that makes complex psychological concepts accessible without feeling like she’s dumbing them down for a general audience. Not every chapter hit home, and I felt some of the heterosexual assumptions were a bit dated, but the core message is vital. It’s a fascinating, albeit uncomfortable, journey into the human heart's capacity for delusion.

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Dome

Finally got around to this after hearing so much buzz about its 'startling insights' into relationship dynamics. It’s a really smart take on how society perceives female obsession differently than male stalking, often dismissing it as mere 'heartbreak.' The author’s willingness to be the villain of her own story is admirable and adds a layer of authenticity that you don't get in typical psychology books. I appreciated the focus on how the brain treats romantic rejection like a physical withdrawal, which explains a lot of the 'pathetic' behaviors described. It’s well-studied and offers a lot to chew on, even if the case studies eventually start to blend together.

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Yongyut

Truth is, I wasn't prepared for how much this book would make me rethink my own past relationships. Phillips explores obsession as a twisted sort of reward system in the brain, which is both terrifying and oddly comforting to understand. The book is meticulously researched, drawing on everything from neuroscience to classic literature to explain why we chase the things that hurt us. It’s a very readable blend of personal narrative and clinical observation that kept me hooked from the first page. While it could have used more diversity in the types of couples featured, the psychological core of the book remains incredibly strong and relevant.

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Woravit

Ever wonder where the line is between a normal breakup and actual stalking? This title dives deep into that grey area, though I’ll be honest, it gets a bit repetitive by the halfway mark. Phillips presents case after case of 'Person A' pursuing 'Person B' until it feels like we are just reading the same story with different names. To be fair, her insights into the historical differences between how men and women experience unrequited love are quite sharp. I just wish there was a bit more deep-dive into the psychological 'why' rather than just a catalog of desperate behaviors.

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New

The chapter on Greek and Roman mythology was a surprising highlight in what I thought would be a standard self-help book. Phillips maps ancient narratives onto modern-day obsession, showing that our collective struggle with unrequited feelings isn't a new phenomenon at all. However, I did find that the book stayed a bit too much on the surface when it came to the actual interviews with the targets of this obsession. It’s heavy on the 'pursuer' perspective, which is interesting, but it leaves the victims' experiences feeling like footnotes in someone else's drama. Still, the research is meticulous and the prose is consistently engaging throughout.

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Naomi

Look, this is a solid read if you're interested in the intersection of love and mental health, but don't expect a definitive scientific text. It feels more like a very long, very well-cited essay than a breakthrough in criminological study. The personal anecdotes are the strongest part, providing a 'boots on the ground' view of what it’s like to lose your grip on reality over a person. It can be a bit repetitive, and I found myself skimming through some of the later examples that didn't add much new information. It’s definitely helpful for anyone currently experiencing these feelings, but for a casual reader, it might feel a bit like overkill.

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Pacharapol

Not what I expected, and frankly, I found the author's own admissions more disturbing than insightful. While the book is marketed as a psychological study, it often felt like a justification for behaviors that are essentially criminal or at least deeply predatory. I struggled to connect with the 'reformed' narrative because the author never truly delves into the root causes of her obsession beyond surface-level explanations. It’s a passably interesting read if you like true crime or TVTropes-style analysis, but it lacks the clinical rigor I was hoping for. For me, it was more of a forgettable memoir than a groundbreaking piece of social science.

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Questions about this book

Phillips argues that romantic obsession usually has deeper roots than the person being pursued. Love triggers the brain’s reward system much like cocaine, the crush often stands in for bigger needs such as self-worth or being cared for, and childhood neglect can leave an anxious attachment style. Understanding those roots lets people step back from the fixation and use its energy for themselves.

Limerence is the name the psychologist Dorothy Tennov gave in 1979 to a state of total dependence on another person, with a constant craving for their affection, whether or not the love is returned. It is also called relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder. Phillips traces it back to older diagnoses of lovesickness, once known as amor heroes or heroic love.

Biologically, less than people assume. Phillips reports that men and women in love go through the same neurochemical and hormonal changes, except that testosterone rises in women and falls in men. A 2005 University of Pittsburgh study found both sexes courting actively in the same ways. The big difference is social: society praises male pursuit and shames women who do the same.

Phillips draws on cognitive-behavioral therapy. Following psychologist Jennifer Taitz, pause before acting on the urge to contact the person, then ask what you really need, often a sense of self-worth that one person cannot supply. When the urge to call is strong, write an unsent letter instead. Channeling the feelings into creative work can also help while you are still in control.

Phillips argues the opposite. Citing child and family psychologist Richard Weissbourd, she notes that few middle schoolers are ready for a real relationship and that very early romances raise the risk of depression. A crush, by contrast, lets teens feel strong emotions and practice being in love without the same risk of getting hurt, so parents can treat it as healthy.

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