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12 min 32 sec
Available in:English

Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity

Justin Baldoni shows how narrow rules about bravery, brains and sex teach men to hide what they feel. He uses his own story to show how honesty, asking for help and real intimacy break those rules.

Table of Content

Many men keep a private scoreboard: strong enough, smart enough, good enough in bed. In Man Enough, actor and director Justin Baldoni argues that the scoreboard itself is the trouble, because its rules teach boys to switch off their feelings long before they grow up. His evidence is his own life, starting with a frightened boy on a bridge who jumped into a raging river so nobody would call him a coward.

Baldoni follows those rules into three areas of a man’s life: courage, intelligence and sex. In each one, a narrow script told him to hide something, whether a fear, a gap in his knowledge or a wound. Hiding it hurt more than the thing itself. The way out was the same each time: telling the truth to someone safe. Along the way come a weekend when a group of friends finally spoke honestly, a video book report that changed how a struggling student saw himself, and a marriage built on candor. What you get is a sharper sense of which pressures to stop obeying, and concrete ways to begin.

A boy stands shaking above a raging river, and everyone watching would call his jump bold. Baldoni says something else pushed him over the edge, and it shapes how millions of boys learn to handle feelings.

A group of men on a casual weekend away, and one of them carrying a secret plan he cannot find the nerve to start. What finally opened the conversation was not his doing at all.

A man with a successful career walks onto his first film set as director and is flooded with doubt. The source of that panic sat decades back, in a classroom where he learned a story about himself.

One assignment, done a different way, convinced a boy who thought he was slow that he had a real mind. Years later, that same memory changed how he ran a film set full of experts.

Boys are expected to be confident about sex, yet many learn it from bragging friends and a screen. Baldoni’s own early experience shows what that silence costs, and why it lasts so long into adult life.

For years sex was a test Baldoni was afraid of failing. A relationship built on a different rule changed what he thought sex was for, and what a partner can make safe to say.

Man Enough adds up to a claim about where strength actually lives. Baldoni was never short on toughness. He jumped from the bridge, carried himself as if he had every answer and tried to be the confident lover. Each act cost him, because each one covered a fear he could not say out loud. What changed his life, again and again, was another person who made it safe to stop pretending: female friends when he hit rock bottom in his twenties, a friend on a guys’ trip, a teacher, a wife.

That points to where to begin. Notice the moments when you act mainly to avoid looking weak, slow or inadequate, and treat that pressure as information about the script you were handed. Pick one person and say the true thing first, the way one friend’s confession opened up a whole group. At work, ask the question you would normally bluff through. At home, judge closeness by honesty.

Baldoni believes this helps people of every gender, because when men drop the narrow scripts, everyone around them gets more room to be whole. The boy on the bridge never lacked courage. He only needed it for a different kind of jump.

About this book

What is this book about?

Many men grow up measuring themselves against an unwritten test: be brave, have every answer, perform in bed. Actor and director Justin Baldoni argues that this test does lasting harm, because passing it means switching off feelings, hiding doubts and burying wounds. Baldoni makes the case through his own life. As a boy he jumped into a raging river only to avoid being mocked. In school he believed he was dumb, a belief that came back as panic on his first day directing a film. An early sexual experience in which his consent was violated, and later his use of pornography to numb his depression, shaped how he saw sex and himself. He draws on the writer bell hooks and on one study about boys and unwanted sexual experiences to show that his story is far from rare. The way out he describes is consistent. He shared his fears on a guys' trip with friends, asked for help on set and built a marriage on radical honesty. Readers come away with a clearer view of the pressures they obey and practical ways to drop them.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Personal Development, Social Issues

Topics:

Gender, Sex & Intimacy, Vulnerability

Publisher:

HarperCollins

Language:

English

Narrator:

Nora

First published:

April 27, 2021

Pages:

344

Length:

12 min 32 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Men pressured to perform

    Men who feel they must prove themselves through strength, smarts or sexual performance.

  • Colleagues hiding their doubts

    Leaders and team members who bluff through uncertainty instead of asking for help.

  • Partners, parents and mentors

    Partners, parents and mentors who want to understand the pressures boys and men carry in silence.

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About the Author

Justin Baldoni

Justin Baldoni, born in Los Angeles in 1984, is an actor and director. He played Rafael Solano on the CW telenovela Jane the Virgin and directed Five Feet Apart, Clouds and It Ends with Us (2024), in which he also starred. In 2019 he helped start the production company Wayfarer Studios. He has spent years exploring what it means to be a man and has written two books on positive masculinity, Man Enough among them.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

3.4

Overall score based on 32 ratings.

What people think

Listeners consider this work essential reading for every man, commending the genuine and open way the author shares his life journey. They value its profound emotional resonance, with one listener highlighting the way the writer reveals his inner feelings. The material earns praise for its candid and unfiltered quality, leaving listeners feeling deeply motivated.

Top reviews

Eye

Justin Baldoni has managed to put into words everything I’ve been feeling but couldn’t articulate about being a man today. Truth be told, I expected another shallow celebrity memoir, but what I found was an unfiltered and raw exploration of what it means to actually show up as a human being. The way he discusses his Baha'i faith and how it shapes his view of service and equality added a layer of depth I didn't see coming. It’s a catalyst for change. His stories about his father and the pressure to be 'tough' resonated so deeply that I found myself pausing just to breathe through the memories. This isn't just a book; it's an invitation to be better. We need more men willing to be this emotionally transparent.

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Nong

As a mother raising two young boys, this felt less like a self-help guide and more like a necessary handbook for the next generation of men. Baldoni breaks down the 'man enough' myth with such grace and kindness that it’s hard not to feel hopeful. In my experience, we don't talk enough about the emotional scripts we hand our sons, but this book tackles it head-on. The chapter on crying and the suppression of male emotion was particularly moving. I've already recommended it to my husband. It’s a beautiful, essential read that prioritizes empathy over ego. I truly believe our world would be safer and kinder if every man took these lessons to heart.

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Tawee

Wow, I didn't expect to be so moved by a book about masculinity from a Hollywood actor. Not gonna lie, I was a bit skeptical at first. However, the rawness Justin brings to these pages is undeniable. He doesn't just talk about toxic traits; he examines his own life and admits where he’s fallen short. That kind of accountability is refreshing. The book feels like a long, deep conversation with a friend who isn't afraid to go to the dark places. It’s inspiring to see someone use their platform to encourage men to embrace vulnerability. It’s more than just a trend—it’s a survival guide for the modern soul.

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Bam

Rarely do you see a public figure dismantle their own success with such brutal transparency. Personally, I found the chapters on 'the script' we are all forced to play very relatable. Baldoni doesn't shy away from the uncomfortable parts of his past, and that makes his message so much more impactful. He’s not lecturing from a pedestal; he’s down in the trenches with us. The book is an emotional rollercoaster that balances personal anecdotes with broader societal observations. It left me feeling empowered to change my own behavior. This is the kind of honesty we need to see more of in the world. Truly a transformative piece of work.

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Cholada

After watching the viral video of his wife and son reacting to the book, I knew I had to see what the hype was about. Gotta say, it lived up to the expectations. This book is a deep dive into the heart of what it means to be a man, and it challenged a lot of my own assumptions. The focus on the relationship between fathers and sons was particularly poignant. It’s a raw, emotional journey that doesn't offer easy answers, but instead provides the tools for self-reflection. I feel like I have a better understanding of how to be a supportive partner and friend after reading this. It’s a brave and necessary contribution to the conversation.

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Malee

The chapter regarding body image and the objectification of the male physique was a total eye-opener for me. Frankly, I never considered how actors like the ones on Jane the Virgin struggle with being viewed as mere sets of abs. Baldoni is incredibly brave for dismantling his own 'pretty privilege' and admitting to his deepest insecurities. While the writing can occasionally veer into being a bit repetitive, the core message about redefining strength is too important to ignore. He handles topics like porn and sexual socialization with a level of honesty that is rare for a public figure. It’s a solid four-star read that offers a lot of food for thought for both men and women. I just wish some sections were a bit tighter.

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Suthida

Picking this up after seeing his TED talk, I was curious if he could sustain that level of depth for 300 pages. To be fair, he mostly succeeds, though there were times I felt he was 'mansplaining' concepts that women have been talking about for decades. That said, I recognize that this book isn't necessarily for me—it's for the men who haven't started this journey yet. His discussion on white privilege and how it intersects with manhood was a necessary addition. It’s a bit preachy in spots, but the heart behind it is clearly in the right place. I’d recommend the audiobook version specifically because his narration adds a lot of sincerity.

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Bella

Finally got around to this after hearing so much buzz about Baldoni’s 'undefining' project. I’d say the biggest takeaway is the importance of vulnerability in male friendships. The stories about his friends and their collective journey toward being more open were highlights for me. I noticed a few contradictions here and there, and the pacing is a little slow in the middle. Still, the emotional depth is genuine. There’s a part where his kids are involved in the audio, and it’s just so sweet. It reminds you that these aren't just abstract ideas; they affect the way we parent. It’s a strong, heart-centered book that most men would benefit from reading.

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Gioia

Is it a good introduction to the complexities of modern manhood? Yes, but it has its flaws. Look, I appreciate what Baldoni is trying to do here, but the tone frequently slips into a 'nice guy' manifesto that feels a bit performative. At times, it felt like he was taking up a lot of space to explain things that are fairly basic. I liked the sections on his family and his personal struggles with fitness culture, but I found myself skimming the more repetitive 'enlightened' passages. It's a decent start for men who are totally new to the conversation about patriarchy. However, it lacks the intellectual bite of authors like bell hooks. It’s fine, just a bit underwhelming for someone already familiar with these topics.

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Elise

This started off promising but quickly devolved into a repetitive exercise in ego-masked-as-humility. Quite frankly, after the credible allegations that have come out about the author's behavior on set, the whole 'enlightened man' persona feels like a total facade. He spends hundreds of pages preaching about respect and vulnerability, yet it feels like lip service when you look at the real-world context. The book is incredibly repetitive and often feels like he’s trying to convince himself as much as the reader. I felt 'mansplained' to for twelve hours. It’s disappointing to see someone profit off a brand of 'goodness' while failing to live up to those very standards in private. I'm returning this one.

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Questions about this book

Baldoni examines the unwritten rules of masculinity in three areas: courage, intelligence and sex. Using his own life, from a fearful jump off a bridge to impostor feelings as a film director and a long struggle with pornography, he argues that these rules teach men to hide feelings, doubts and wounds. He shows that healthier strength comes from honesty, asking for help and intimacy built on safety.

He argues that many daring acts by boys are driven by fear of being called weak. True courage, in his view, is sharing your fears with people who can respond with compassion. He describes a guys’ trip where one friend’s raw confession led every man to open up about trauma and addiction, and where Baldoni finally admitted his own insecurities.

Baldoni says men get mixed messages: they must have every answer and never ask for help, yet being too intellectual is mocked. Labeled a troublemaker in school and likely living with undiagnosed ADHD, he grew up believing he was dumb. As a director, he recovered by deliberately seeking expertise from others, and he argues the best leaders invite others’ genius and change course on feedback.

Baldoni argues boys get no healthy sex education, so porn often becomes their default teacher, setting unrealistic expectations. He shares that his consent was violated early on and that he later used porn to numb depression. He cites one study suggesting up to one in five boys have unwanted sexual experiences, and he says healing begins by breaking the silence.

Notice when you act mainly to avoid looking weak or uninformed. Choose a trusted friend or partner and share a fear you usually hide, since one honest admission often frees others to speak. At work, ask for help where you would normally fake certainty. In relationships, value closeness and honesty over performance, and respond to hard truths without judgment.

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Man Enough

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