Opens in a new tab
15 min 07 sec
Available in:English

Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want

Shows how to stop performing sexuality for others and build it from your own desires, using clear tools for hard choices, fading desire, sharing fantasies and listening to a partner without getting defensive.

Table of Content

Plenty of people lie next to a partner and feel miles away, caught between what they think they should want and what they actually do. In Taking Sexy Back, clinical psychologist Alexandra H. Solomon traces that gap to sexuality built from the outside in, judged through other people’s eyes. Her first surprise concerns desire itself: under an older medical model, 43 percent of women were diagnosed with sexual dysfunction, often just for not initiating sex or not reaching orgasm.

Solomon’s throughline is that a satisfying intimate life starts with knowing your own truth and grows through trust with a partner who is writing their own rules too. Through real couples, clients and her own marriage, she offers a three-step method for charged moments, a way to read fading desire as something pressing the brakes, and words for listening that make a partner’s honesty feel safe.

Many women learn to judge their sexuality by how it looks to someone else. Solomon names that habit, and she argues the way out begins with a word most people find surprisingly hard to say.

A text arrives late at night and the reply is already half typed. One graduate student found three small steps that changed what she sent, and when she sent it.

A passionate first date ended badly, and Lucy decided she was the problem. A simple equation about what each person carries changed her verdict, and her confidence.

For decades, nearly half of women were told something was wrong with their desire. The fault may have been in the model, and one couple’s tension shows what a better one looks like.

Most advice for flagging desire tells you to add something new. Solomon points to a different pedal entirely, and her plainest fix has nothing to do with lingerie.

Sharing a fantasy can bring a couple closer or leave one partner shaken. Tori experienced both, and what happened next depended on three things built long before.

Zoe wanted to marry and Dalia distrusted marriage itself. Their standoff reveals why couples today cannot borrow their grandparents’ answers, and what they must build in their place.

A man knew it was fine to lean on his wife, yet it still felt wrong. Solomon explains what blocks that kind of support, and which few words make hard truths easier to share.

Solomon’s book makes a claim about where intimacy lives: in the space between what you actually feel and what you say out loud, and in whether the person beside you can hear it. The faked orgasm, the late-night text, the stalled desire and the argument about marriage share one root, a script someone else wrote.

The changes she supports are modest and specific. Before answering any request for closeness, name what is true, feel what sits under it, and then decide. If desire has faded, look for the brakes before reaching for the gas, even if the answer turns out to be a babysitter. And when your partner tells you something hard, take a breath and thank them before you explain anything.

None of this asks for perfection. It asks for a no you can trust, so that your yes means something. The bedroom, as Solomon sees it, is simply the place where it is easiest to notice whose story you have been living, and the best place to begin telling your own.

About this book

What is this book about?

Many people, especially women, learn to experience their sexuality through other people's eyes. They fake pleasure, stay silent about what they want, and measure their worth by approval. Clinical psychologist Alexandra H. Solomon calls this outside-in sexuality, and she argues that the alternative is to build it from the inside out. Her approach mixes stories of real couples and clients with a tour of sex research. She offers a three-step method called Name, Connect, Choose for charged moments, and an equation for understanding what each partner brings to an encounter. She explains why the old straight-line model of sexual response labeled 43 percent of women as dysfunctional, and why responsive desire and the dual control model fit many people better. Readers also get the Sacred Trio of risk, self-compassion and trust for sharing fantasies and wishes, a way to work out relationship rules that no longer come ready-made, and specific phrases for holding space when a partner tells a hard truth.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Sex & Relationships

Topics:

Gender, Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion, Sex & Intimacy

Publisher:

New Harbinger Publications

Language:

English

Narrator:

Robert

First published:

February 2, 2020

Pages:

231

Length:

15 min 07 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Women hiding their desires

    Women who perform in bed and stay silent about what they really want.

  • Couples with mismatched desire

    Long-term couples worried that mismatched desire means something is broken.

  • Hoping to support exploration

    Partners, especially men, who want to support a loved one's sexual exploration without getting defensive.

Listen to Preview

About the Author

Alexandra H. Solomon

Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, where she also teaches a course called Marriage 101. She developed the Relational Self-Awareness framework and hosts the podcast Reimagining Love, with an Instagram following of more than 200,000 people. The Atlantic, the Huffington Post and O have featured her as an expert on love and romance. Another of her books, Loving Bravely, was featured on the TODAY show.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

3

Overall score based on 10 ratings.

What people think

Listeners find the writing highly informative, with one noting its focus on intentional application practices. They characterize the material as empowering, and one listener even likens the reading experience to receiving an enlightening hug.

Top reviews

Pensuda

This book feels like a warm, enlightening hug from a very wise friend who just happens to be a psychologist. Alexandra Solomon does an incredible job of making complex psychological concepts accessible without stripping away their depth. I felt truly empowered while reading, especially during the sections on relational self-awareness and learning how to define "sexy" on my own terms. The tone is gentle yet firm, pushing you to confront those dusty old scripts we've all been handed about our bodies. Truth is, I wish I had this in my early twenties before I let society dictate my worth. It’s an educational masterpiece for anyone wanting to reclaim their autonomy and navigate intimacy with more confidence.

Show more
Katya

As a queer woman, I often find self-help books on sexuality to be heteronormative and alienating. Solomon completely breaks that mold here by challenging the gender binary and offering perspectives that feel genuinely inclusive of all identities. The focus on mindfulness and the "gas and brake" pedals of desire provided a framework that finally made sense to my lived experience. Not gonna lie, I was worried it would be another book full of magazine-style quizzes, but it’s actually a deep dive into social paradigms. It’s empowering to see these topics handled with such care and intellectual rigor in a mainstream publication. Highly recommended for everyone.

Show more
Anna

Finally got around to reading this, and I honestly think every woman should have a copy on her nightstand. It reads like a long, supportive conversation with a group of friends where no topic is off-limits or shameful. Solomon’s writing is simple and approachable, making the heavy lifting of unlearning toxic cultural norms feel manageable. I love how she emphasizes that sexuality is a journey of self-discovery rather than a destination to be reached. This book is a companion for anyone trying to find their voice and navigate the complexities of desire in a confusing world. It’s a beautiful, life-affirming piece of work that I'll keep forever.

Show more
Watchara

I've been looking for a resource that treats sexuality as a journey of mindfulness rather than just a series of tips and tricks. Solomon delivers exactly that by focusing on the internal work necessary to reclaim one's agency. The book is an enlightening hug for the soul, providing the language to discuss things I’ve felt but couldn't quite name. It’s rare to find a book that is both academically grounded and deeply emotional. Whether you are single or in a relationship, the insights on how we perceive ourselves and our worth are invaluable. This is easily one of the most empowering books I’ve read this year.

Show more
Witthaya

Ever wonder why we carry so much baggage regarding our own bodies and desires? Solomon tackles this head-on by dismantling the harmful cultural messages that women absorb from a young age. I found the distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire particularly eye-opening, as it normalized so much of what I’ve felt in my own long-term relationships. To be fair, the "Your Sexy" branding feels a little gimmicky and dated, which initially made me skeptical of the content. However, the substance far outweighs the marketing. It’s a solid, informative resource for anyone looking to build a more mindful connection with their sexuality and improve their communication with partners.

Show more
Wanida

Wow, the depth of relational self-awareness explored here is exactly what the modern woman needs. The author treats the reader like an equal, creating a space for a conversation that feels as intimate as talking to a close sister. I appreciated the intentional application practices included at the end of the chapters, even if some of them felt a bit abstract at times. The book moves beyond just "sex" and looks at how we communicate our needs and boundaries in every aspect of our lives. It’s a very informative read, though I must admit the title is a bit embarrassing to carry around on the subway!

Show more
Chiw

After hearing so much buzz about 'Taking Sexy Back,' I was prepared for a lot of fluff, but the actual content is surprisingly educational. Solomon’s approach to dismantling the "sexual double standard" is both rigorous and compassionate. I particularly enjoyed the sections on how our history and past relationships shape our current communication styles and hang-ups. My only real gripe is that I wanted the journaling sections to go even deeper into the "how-to" of emotional healing. Still, the focus on curiosity over judgment is a message I think everyone needs to hear. It’s a big step forward for mainstream conversations on female sexuality and empowerment.

Show more
Thongchai

Look, the title is definitely a bit cringey, but don't let that stop you from diving into the intentional application practices inside. This book is much more than a guide to sex; it’s a manual for understanding your own psychological makeup. The way the author explains the "brakes" and "accelerators" of desire changed how I view my own body's responses during intimacy. It’s informative without being clinical, and the tone remains encouraging throughout. While I wish there were more diverse case studies, the core message of relational self-awareness is incredibly powerful. It definitely helped me reflect on my own perceptions of intimacy and how I interact with my partner.

Show more
Pim

Picked this up because I’m a huge fan of Dr. Solomon’s podcast, but I have mixed feelings about the final product. While the information provided is undoubtedly crucial and the writing is friendly, I felt the book lacked the specific tools I was searching for. The journaling prompts felt a bit repetitive after a while, and I wanted more concrete, actionable exercises to practice in my daily life. It’s a great introduction to reclaiming your agency, and the inclusivity regarding queer perspectives is a huge plus. Frankly, it just felt like it ended right when I was getting ready to do the real work of transformation.

Show more
Manee

The chapter on dismantling social paradigms started strong, but I ultimately struggled to connect with the author's voice throughout the rest of the book. Personally, the concept of "Your Sexy" just didn't resonate with me; it felt a bit too forced and "self-help-y" for my taste. While I can see how the educational aspects would be helpful for some, it felt like a recap of things I’ve already heard in other psychology podcasts. I wanted something more earth-shattering or provocative, but this felt a bit safe and surface-level. It's okay as a starter guide, but if you're already well-read in this area, you might find it redundant.

Show more
Show all reviews

Questions about this book

It argues that many people, especially women, experience sexuality from the outside in, performing for others and judging themselves by approval. Solomon shows how to build it from the inside out instead: naming your own truth, understanding responsive desire and the brakes that block arousal, taking emotional risks with trust and self-compassion, and creating relationship rules together when old scripts no longer apply.

It is Solomon’s three-step tool for charged moments. You name what is true, connect with the feelings underneath, and then choose from that understanding. A graduate student used it when a casual partner texted late at night asking to meet for sex. She noticed her fear of rejection and a clear inner no, and she waited until the next day to reply.

Solomon turns to Rosemary Basson, who proposed an alternative model in which many people, especially in long relationships, have responsive desire that grows from closeness and context. She also uses the dual control model: arousal has a gas pedal and brakes. Before adding novelty, look for the brakes, such as stress, unresolved conflict, housework fights or worry that the kids will walk in.

Practice holding space when your partner shares something difficult. Reflect on your own history, ask curious questions, listen only to understand and calm your defensiveness. Instead of asking why they didn’t speak up earlier, thank them for trusting you or ask them to help you understand. Solomon also suggests voicing small wishes, backed by self-compassion and trust in your partner’s honesty.

AUDIO SUMMARY AVAILABLE

Listen to Taking Sexy Back in 15 minutes

Get the key ideas from Taking Sexy Back by Alexandra H. Solomon, plus 5,000+ more nonfiction titles.

  • 5,000+ titles
  • Listen as much as you want
  • 7-day free trial
  • Cancel anytime

Taking Sexy Back

Preview · Full summary 15 min 07 sec
Home

Discover

Open app

Log in