Designer Relationships: Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships

Finally got around to reading this and I’m so glad I did because it gave me the vocabulary I was missing. I’ve always felt 'monogamish,' but seeing it defined alongside things like 'swolly' helped me realize I’m not just making things up as I go. The emphasis on conscious choice is such a breath of fresh air compared to the usual 'how to save your marriage' books. It encourages you to explore new sexual territories with your primary partner first, which I think is a crucial step often skipped in other guides. Mark and Patricia write with a lot of compassion and lived experience, making the advice feel grounded and realistic rather than purely theoretical. This is exactly the kind of book that needs to be written to help people build more authentic, tailored connections.

This book is an absolute gem for anyone who feels like the standard relationship models just don't fit. It doesn't treat non-monogamy like a problem to be solved, but rather like a creative project to be enjoyed. I loved the breakdown of 'single by choice' and 'non-sexual' relationships, as these are so often ignored in mainstream relationship advice. The authors emphasize that self-awareness is the key, which is a message that bears repeating. It’s incredibly accessible and doesn't rely on heavy academic jargon, making it a perfect gift for a partner who might be nervous about these topics. Designing a life that suits your unique needs is a beautiful concept, and this book provides the roadmap to start that journey. It is truly informative.

Picked this up during a layover and it actually lived up to the 'airport read' promise the authors made in the intro. It provides a very accessible overview of different relationship structures like 'monogamish' and 'swolly' without being overly judgmental or preachy. While the tone is a bit academic at times, the breakdown of myths surrounding non-monogamy was genuinely thought-provoking and helpful for reframing my own biases. I appreciated how the text doesn't elevate polyamory over monogamy, but rather treats both as valid choices if they are 'designed' with intention. It’s a gentle, compassionate introduction that works well for those just starting to question the traditional relationship scripts they were raised with. You won't find deep psychological breakthroughs here, but it's a solid foundation for further exploration. It is a fantastic and very respectful introduction to a lot of topics.

The truth is that most of us are monogamous by default, not by choice, and this book does a great job of highlighting that distinction. It offers a useful framework for anyone looking to craft a partnership that reflects their actual values rather than just following a societal script. I found the section on 'semiconsensual non-monogamy' to be particularly honest, as it acknowledges the messy reality that one partner is often more reluctant than the other. The authors provide specific relationship skills in Chapter 5 that are applicable regardless of your chosen structure. My only real gripe is that the pacing drags in the middle when they get bogged down in data. However, the glossary of terms alone makes it a valuable resource for anyone trying to navigate the modern dating landscape.

Ever wonder why we feel so much pressure to stick to one specific way of loving? This book tackles those misconceptions head-on, especially the myth that non-monogamous people are incapable of true intimacy or are at higher risk for STDs. It’s an educational read that focuses on self-awareness as the cornerstone of any healthy connection. The concept of 'designer relationships' is liberating because it gives you permission to be the author of your own life. I liked the focus on communicating boundaries and preferences early on to avoid the pitfalls of 'cheating' vs. consensual exploration. It isn’t a dense self-help manual, which I actually appreciated. It’s light enough to digest in a couple of sittings but carries enough weight to spark some very serious conversations with your partner.

Frankly, the most valuable part of this book is the way it deconstructs the idea that monogamy is the only 'natural' state for humans. By grounding the discussion in historical context, the authors show that relationship structures have always been evolving. I appreciated the specific tips on honesty—especially the idea that total transparency isn't always the kindest or most beneficial path in every single moment. The bullet-point guides make it easy to refer back to when you're actually in the middle of a tough conversation. It’s a bit statistics-heavy in the beginning, which might bore some readers, but the practical advice in the later chapters is worth the wait. It’s a solid 4-star read for anyone wanting to move beyond default settings in their romantic life.

Not what I expected, but in a good way. I thought it would be a 'how-to' for polyamory, but it’s actually more of a philosophical guide to any kind of intentional relationship. It’s educational without being preachy, and it really makes you think about why you hold certain beliefs about fidelity and commitment. The pacing is a bit hit-or-miss—some sections fly by while others feel like a slog through data—but the overall message is powerful. It’s a great reminder that we have the freedom to craft our own happiness. I would recommend this to anyone, even strictly monogamous couples, because the communication skills discussed are universal. It helps you realize that what works for you is more important than what is considered 'normal' by society.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this one because while the message is great, the execution feels a bit dry. The authors clearly know their stuff, but the writing style is so decorous and polite that it almost lacks the spark you'd expect from a book about passion. It functions well as a 'field guide' to terms like polyfidelity and kink, providing a neutral foundation for couples to start talking. But if you’ve already read The Ethical Slut or Mating in Captivity, you likely won't find anything revolutionary here. It’s a respectable introductory text, but it doesn't have the emotional depth to really grab a skeptical reader and pull them in. It serves its purpose as a primer, but don't expect it to solve complex attachment issues or deep-seated jealousy.

To be fair, this felt like a high school essay padded out with endless statistics to meet a word count requirement. It misses the mark. If you are already living a non-monogamous lifestyle, there is almost nothing here that qualifies as an advanced insight or a new learning. The pacing is agonizingly slow because the authors insist on throwing historical facts at you instead of getting to the practical advice. It might serve as a decent starter guide for someone who has literally never heard of an open relationship, but for the rest of us, it’s just too basic. I was hoping for something that went into actual depth regarding navigating the complexities of multi-partner dynamics, perhaps involving conflict resolution or managing the logistical nightmares of scheduling, but instead, I got fluff. They could have cut the fat tremendously and simply annotated the references for those inclined to read deeper into the data.

As a gay man who has lived in non-monogamous circles for years, I felt almost entirely missed by this book’s perspective. It seems written specifically for straight, cisgender couples who are curious about opening up for the very first time. There’s a glaring lack of discussion regarding gay hookup culture or how to build meaningful partnerships within that specific community. The 'baby steps' approach feels incredibly slow and, frankly, a bit patronizing if you aren't a beginner. While the historical context is interesting, the authors rely too heavily on their own 17-year partnership as the primary blueprint. It’s respectful enough, but it doesn't offer the nuanced tools needed for people whose lives already exist outside the heteronormative 'default.' It simply didn't go into enough depth to be very helpful for my personal experience.