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15 min 48 sec
Available in:English

Extraordinary Influence: How Great Leaders Bring Out the Best in Others

Shows managers, coaches and parents how to strengthen people by naming their strengths, skills and values, and why public criticism and yelling hurt performance and confidence far more than most leaders realize.

Table of Content

Most managers and parents praise people often and still wonder why it changes so little. In Extraordinary Influence, organizational psychologist Tim Irwin argues that the trouble is the kind of praise: a quick compliment fades, while affirmation that names someone’s strengths and values lowers stress and sharpens thinking. He treats this as a skill that can be learned, like any other.

His case rests on brain research and on stories from a football field, a sushi counter, a scandal-hit corporation and a preschool art class. The throughline is simple. People grow toward what is affirmed in them and shrink under criticism, above all criticism delivered in front of others.

Follow that thread and you get habits for the weekly one-on-one, the annual review, the tense crisis meeting and the dinner table, plus a clear sense of when to speak up in public and when to keep it private.

A rival coach’s few words after a painful defeat left a team captain feeling inspired. Brain research explains why, and the long training of Japanese sushi apprentices shows that the strongest praise takes far more than a passing nice job.

The same words of thanks can thrill one colleague and leave another cold. Irwin’s four workplace personalities explain the gap, and one extra sentence turns congratulations on a target into something people actually remember.

An employee stands up to a powerful CEO who has slipped false claims into a contract. A generic thank-you afterward would waste the moment. Irwin explains which words make that kind of behavior far more likely to return.

A preschool teacher’s single remark about a messy painting stayed with one girl for decades. Three brain studies show what such moments do inside us, and why having an audience makes them so much worse.

After its former CEO drained hundreds of millions of dollars, Tyco looked ready to collapse and its staff were furious. Eric Pillmore’s recovery plan ended in standing ovations, and the order of his steps is the lesson.

Ask staff about their annual review and the same two unhappy words keep coming back. Several large companies have dropped numeric scores altogether, and what replaced them changes who gets rewarded and for what.

Shouting gets a child’s attention in the short term, which is exactly why so many coaches and parents assume it works. Irwin explains what it costs over the years and offers a calmer approach that works better.

Irwin’s book recasts influence as a habit of attention. The brain responds to what others notice in us. Named strengths, skills and values grow. Public humiliation sets off the same alarm as a lion and leaves marks that last, the way a splattered preschool painting still stings decades later. Whether the setting is a sushi counter, a company near collapse, a review form or a kitchen table, people tend to become what you keep pointing out in them.

That makes the practice concrete. Move every correction behind a closed door and bring every well-earned word of praise into the open. When you thank someone, name what sits behind the result: the courage it took, the humility of sharing credit, the judgment that built the team.

Start with yourself, too. Irwin recommends keeping a journal of your feelings and interactions through the day, because a leader who is grumpy and unaware of it will snap instead of support. Knowing your own moods is what lets you choose the strengthening word when it matters.

Ms. Caldwell had one sentence to spend in front of that class. Irwin’s whole argument is about spending that sentence well.

About this book

What is this book about?

Most leaders praise people and still see little change, and many still believe tough criticism is what drives results. Tim Irwin, an organizational psychologist, argues that both habits miss how people actually grow. A passing compliment fades fast. Criticism, especially in front of others, sets off the brain's threat response and weakens clear thinking. His alternative is affirmation in the old sense of the word: strengthening someone over time by naming the strengths, skills and values behind what they do. Irwin draws on neuroscience studies of praise and criticism and on stories that range from a sushi apprentice's long road to the title of artisan to Tyco's recovery after its former CEO drained the company's accounts. Readers learn to match praise to four common workplace personalities, to name courage and humility when they see them, to keep correction private, to rebuild trust after a crisis, to run reviews that judge how work gets done and to guide children without shouting.

Book Information

Rating:

Genre:

Management & Leadership

Topics:

Feedback, Leadership, Neuroscience

Publisher:

Wiley

Language:

English

Narrator:

Cole

First published:

March 2, 2018

Pages:

208

Length:

15 min 48 sec

Get the book:

Amazon

Who it's for

  • Team leads and managers

    Team leads and managers whose praise feels routine and whose feedback sessions leave people tense.

  • Leading teams through upheaval

    Leaders steering a team through a scandal, reorganization or loss of trust.

  • Helping kids improve calmly

    Parents, teachers and coaches who want children to improve without being shouted at.

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About the Author

Tim Irwin

Tim Irwin holds a Ph.D. and studied organizational and clinical psychology at Georgia State University, where he has also taught as an adjunct professor. For more than twenty years he has consulted with major American organizations, including Fortune 100 companies, and with firms in South America, focusing on leadership development, organizational effectiveness and executive selection. He has held a senior management post at a US company with more than three hundred offices worldwide and has served as managing partner of IrwinInc. in Atlanta. His commentary has appeared in the Wall Street Journal and Business Week, and he also wrote Derailed and the best-selling Impact.

Ratings & Reviews

Ratings at a glance

4.2

Overall score based on 170 ratings.

What people think

Listeners find the book deeply moving, with one individual observing the way words of life can heal. Furthermore, the quality of the insights is well-received, as one listener emphasizes that the text is reinforced by contemporary brain research findings. Listeners also commend its accessibility, with one describing the book as a must-read from cover to cover.

Top reviews

Joshua

Wow, the concepts here really hit home for me, especially the idea that our words can literally breathe life into another person’s potential. Dr. Irwin doesn’t just offer dry business advice; he provides a roadmap for healing professional relationships through the power of encouragement. I found the section on applying these principles to family life particularly moving, as it reminds us that leadership doesn't stop when we clock out. The book is incredibly readable and feels like a conversation with a wise mentor who truly wants you to succeed. Not gonna lie, I teared up a bit reading about how genuine affirmation can change someone's entire trajectory. It’s an inspirational must-read that I’ll be keeping on my desk for daily reference. Truly a life-changing perspective on how we influence those around us.

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Yok

Finally got around to finishing this, and it’s easily a new favorite for leadership training because it bridges the gap between 'soft skills' and science. The way Irwin uses contemporary brain research to justify the need for kindness and affirmation is brilliant. We often think of influence as something we exert over people, but this book shows it’s really about what we bring out of them. I love how he identifies character and competence as key areas for affirmation. It’s a very quick read, but the impact of the message lingers long after you close the cover. If you want to foster a culture of excellence and collaboration, these are the 'words of life' you need to be speaking. This should be required reading for every new manager entering the workforce today.

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Aroon

The chapter on cultivating a growth mindset alone is worth the price of admission. Tim Irwin has a gift for taking complex psychological concepts and making them feel incredibly personal and applicable. I’ve read a lot of business books, but few focus so heavily on the moral responsibility we have to the people we lead. It’s not just about productivity; it’s about the transformational power of believing in someone until they believe in themselves. The writing is clear, the research is solid, and the tone is perfectly balanced between professional and heart-centered. I’ve already recommended this to several colleagues who are looking to move away from top-down management styles. This is a vital resource for anyone who wants to leave a positive legacy in their organization. Truly an exceptional piece of work.

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Tippawan

Picked this up for a professional development workshop and was pleasantly surprised by the depth of the neuroscience aspects. Dr. Irwin explains how criticism essentially hijacks the amygdala, shutting down a team member’s ability to think creatively or solve problems effectively. Frankly, it’s a wake-up call for those of us who grew up in the 'tough love' school of management. While some of the lessons on trust and transparency felt a bit like common sense, the specific framework for affirmation over critique is backed by solid brain research. The writing is accessible and moves quickly, though I wish there were more diverse examples of leaders in high-stakes environments. It’s a solid resource if you want to understand the biological response to leadership styles. I’ve already started changing how I approach my weekly one-on-ones.

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Pierre

After hearing about Irwin’s work with major organizations, I decided to give this a read to see if the hype was justified. The emphasis on leading by example and building a foundation of trust is well-articulated and supported by credible real-world context. I appreciated the reflective questions at the end of the chapters; they forced me to look at my own accountability and resilience during times of crisis. Look, the book isn't reinventing the wheel when it comes to servant leadership, but it packages the information in a very compelling way. The connection between emotional intelligence and organizational performance is clear and actionable. Some parts are definitely repetitive, but perhaps that’s necessary to drive the point home about the power of positive reinforcement. It’s a great addition to any leader's library.

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Paiboon

As someone who has struggled to manage high-pressure teams, the focus on affirmation was refreshing and actually quite challenging to implement. The truth is, it’s much easier to point out what’s wrong than to identify the unique style and character of a struggling employee. Irwin provides a very helpful framework for connecting a person’s behavior to their own professed ambitions, which makes 'difficult' conversations feel much more collaborative. I gave it four stars because I felt it glossed over how to handle situations where trust has been fundamentally broken beyond repair. That said, the general advice on fostering a growth mindset is top-notch and very easy to digest. It’s a practical guide that focuses on the heart of leadership: the human connection. Definitely worth your time if you feel like your team culture has gone stale.

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Hiroshi

Ever wonder why your feedback sessions always feel so tense and unproductive? Irwin’s explanation of the 'amygdala hijack' provides a decent answer to that question, highlighting how traditional criticism backfires. However, the book suffers from some non-standard terminology that makes it harder to follow than it needs to be. Personally, I found the first half quite engaging, but the second half felt like it was rehashing the same three points over and over. It’s a bit light on specific, day-to-day applications for middle managers who don't have total control over their company culture. It’s a good book for a quick plane ride, but it doesn’t go quite deep enough into the 'how-to' for my taste. I’d recommend it for the neurological insights, but keep your expectations for practical templates low.

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Prayoon

To be fair, the science behind the 'Extraordinary Influence' model is genuinely fascinating, especially the parts about how stress impacts our cognitive resources. However, I found myself wanting much more discussion on the obstacles leaders face when trying to implement these habits in toxic environments. It’s easy to lead with empathy when things are going well, but how do we maintain this during a major crisis or organizational change? The book touches on it but doesn't go quite deep enough into the 'messy' side of human dynamics. It’s a very polished, optimistic view of leadership that might feel a bit disconnected from the reality of fast-paced, high-stress industries. Still, the core principles of trust and integrity are timeless. It’s a decent primer, even if it feels a bit too 'sunshine and roses' at times.

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Ratchanee

This book unfortunately felt like a missed opportunity to address modern leadership in a meaningful way. My biggest gripe is that almost every example involving a woman was framed negatively or focused on superficial traits, while the men were consistently portrayed as the heroes of their own growth stories. It completely ignores the nuance of gender roles or diversity in a corporate setting, which makes the advice feel dated and one-dimensional. To be fair, the core idea of 'affirmation' is nice, but the execution is incredibly surface-level. You could honestly find the same information about the amygdala and stress responses with a five-minute Google search. If you’re looking for a deep, inclusive dive into transformational leadership, this probably isn't the book for you. It felt repetitive and lacked the 'extraordinary' depth the title promised.

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Thitima

Gotta say, the repetition in these chapters became quite exhausting after the first fifty pages. The core message—be nice and affirm people so their brains don't shut down—is stretched way too thin for a full-length book. To be fair, the research mentioned is interesting, but the author repeats the same anecdotes about men in leadership roles without much variety. It feels very surface-level, almost like a collection of blog posts that were expanded to meet a word count. If you’ve read any other modern leadership books on emotional intelligence, you won’t find much new here. It’s fine if you’re brand new to the concept of 'soft skills,' but for seasoned leaders, it’s a bit of a snooze. Just save your time and read a summary online.

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Questions about this book

Irwin argues that people grow toward what is affirmed in them. Real affirmation goes beyond a compliment: it strengthens someone over time by naming their strengths, skills and values. Brain research he cites shows affirmation lowers stress and improves problem solving, while criticism triggers the fight or flight response and weakens creative thinking. Leaders and parents who learn to affirm well bring out the best in others.

A compliment is a quick, pleasant remark, such as praising someone’s clothes or saying great job. Affirmation, from a Latin root meaning to strengthen, means supporting someone through a process with steady constructive feedback and high praise when it is earned. Irwin’s example is Japanese sushi training, where masters guide apprentices for years before granting them the title shokunin, or artisan.

Studies Irwin cites show criticism activates the amygdala, the brain’s threat center, and impairs abstract thinking and self-reflection. A 2013 study linked fitting in with peers to dopamine release, so criticism in front of a group adds the pain of rejection by the tribe. His rule is to correct people in private and praise them in public.

Irwin describes how a handful of companies, such as Dell and Microsoft, plus Goldman Sachs and New York Life, have dropped numeric ratings running from one to nine. Wider categories such as excellent, very good, average and needs improvement leave managers space to spell out the technical and interpersonal skills that produced the results. The focus shifts to how work was done, so a target-hitter who creates a toxic atmosphere is not automatically rated higher than a helpful colleague.

It suits managers and team leads who want feedback to build people up, leaders rebuilding trust after a crisis like the one Tyco faced in 2002, and parents, teachers and coaches who rely on yelling. Irwin gives practical tools: matching praise to four personality types, naming courage and humility, keeping criticism private and journaling to raise your own self-awareness.

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Extraordinary Influence

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